How can we distinguish true born, bred and fed Milwaukeeans and astutely assimilated transplants from those, well, foreigners from across the southern border and others just dropping in? There are essentials every Milwaukeean who really knows the city experiences and that even visitors seeking a true taste of Milwaukee life must sample. We came up with 25 that define our culture and remind us of who we are. Read on to educate yourself about what our city has to offer, then add up your score on this quiz to test your Milwaukee mettle.
Edited by Natalie Dorman With Mindy Benham, Kurt Chandler, Ann Christenson, John Fennell, Jim Hazard, Charlene Mills, Mary Van de Kamp Nohl and Mario Quadracci
ILLUSTRATED BY TERRY COLON
1. Milwaukee’s Mardi Gras
In its youth, Summerfest (June 26-July 6; www.summerfest.com) was a lakeside puddle of mud and beer, the city’s macro-brewed answer to Woodstock. The beer still flows, but in its 35 years, Summerfest has grown up to become the darling of music festivals. Why, just this spring, the Big Gig was named Favorite North American Festival (tomorrow the world!) by an American Automobile Association poll, edging out Mardi Gras and Taste of Chicago. Like its executive director, the inimitable Bo Black, the festival grounds had another face-lift recently. With its gussied-up stages and main gate, the 11-day party, as always, will be a sure cure for the summertime blues.
If you’ve partied at Summerfest: 3 points.
Bonus: Add 1 point for swallowing more beer than you spill. Score another point for riding home with a Designated Driver.
deduction: Lose 1 point for leaving the grounds with vomit-stained shoes.
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2. The City’s Playground
On any given nice day (a very relative term), the lakefront is as animated as an ant colony. People scurry about on every imaginable self-propelled vehicle and foot attachment. Some fly kites, others get the snot knocked out of them playing rugby.
If you’ve hung out at the lakefront: 3 points.
Bonus: Earn a point if you’ve ever enjoyed a day of punch-drunk in-line skating after having your melon mistaken for a ball during a rugby game, own your own roller skis or rented a banana peel (a three-wheel bike) from Milwaukee Bike and Skate (www.milwbikeskaterental.com).
deduction: If you’ve ever sat down at the lakefront without a fishing pole, radio controller or kite string in your hand, deduct 2 points. score
3. Animal Farm
The Wisconsin State Fair (July 31-August 10; www.wistatefair.com) is all of our stereotypes – beer, cheese, milk and cows – rolled into one event. But don’t despair. It’s a chance to show off your true city and state pride. Guzzle down almost-free milk from Sen. Herb Kohl. Stuff your mouth with everything that’s bad for you. De-citify as you cheer on the hogs scrambling around the small oval track. Don’t forget the gadgets and gizmos – who can’t use another gutter sprayer or super-duper wok – as seen on TV or not.
If you’ve attended the State Fair: 3 points.
Bonus: Earn a point for completing each of the following activities: sitting through a live animal auction or taking home a carton of cream puffs.
Deduction: Lose a point if you’re lactose intolerant, but earn it back if you consume dairy at the fair anyway. score
4. Hop(s) to It
What’s so fascinating about watching beer being made? At Lakefront Brewery (www. lakefrontbrewery.com), it’s having that glass of beer in your hand throughout the tour. On other brewery tours, like corporate-slick Miller (www.millerbrewing.com) or Glendale’s Sprecher (www.sprecherbrewery.com), the incentive is at the end: free samples. Lakefront will cost you $5, Sprecher $3 for a take-home glass and several refills. There’s no charge at Miller, but they encourage you to send a free postcard – a clever advertisement with your testimonial on it.
If you’ve taken a brewery tour: 3 points.
Bonus: Earn 1 point for drinking all of the samples available with your tour. Or, for Lakefront, earn 2 points for bypassing the tour altogether (you have it memorized) and just drinking the beer till the tours are done.
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5. Melting Moment
Concrete ledges shaded by lilac trees. Car seats baking in the sun. Everyday-people places are fertile ground this time of year for waistline-contraband: frozen custard. Richer than ice cream (those darn egg yolks), drippier than gelato, fro-tard is only a matter of debate when it comes to source, usually one succinct name: Kopp’s, Gilles, Culver’s, Leon’s and Oscar’s, among others.
If you’ve indulged in frozen custard: 2 points.
Bonus: Add 1 point if you call a Flavor of the Day line at least once a week or carry the Flavor of the Day card for the month in your wallet.
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6. Art in the Park
The rich are different from you and me – they’re rich. And as secretary turned grand dame art patron Peg Bradley proved, money buys a lot – in her case, a private sculpture garden. The wife of industrialist Harry Bradley, Peg assembled the 55-piece collection on her 40-acre River Hills estate between 1962 and 1977. The envy of museums across the country, the Bradley Sculpture Garden (2145 W. Brown Deer Rd., River Hills) contains work by the cannon of modern sculptors: Hepworth, Moore, Noguchi and others. It’s open by reservation only or at the annual garden party (August 24), where not-so-rich Milwaukeeans dress up in their Sunday best to stroll and picnic in elegance.
If you’ve admired the gardens: 5 points.
Bonus: 2 points for lugging the food and hosting a champagne brunch for eight.
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7. HOG Heaven
Hyped presumptuously as “the greatest party the world has ever seen,” Harley-Davidson’s 100th anniversary will bring together black leather vests, red bandanas and blue tattoos from around the globe (www.harley-davidson.com). From August 28-31, Harley fans will pack Veterans Park and the Summerfest grounds night and day for a chain of brain-rattling events. On tap: an exhibit of the Harley-Davidson design process at the Milwaukee Art Museum and a parade of 10,000 – that’s right – 10,000 motorcycles.
If you plan on attending the anniversary party: 5 points.
Bonus:Score 2 points if you know the difference between a Knucklehead and a Shovelhead (hint: they’re both Harley engine designs).
deduction: Lose 5 points if you ride a Yamaha. score
8. Friday’s Ritual
Fish is the Friday manna of Milwaukee. It’s hard to pass a restaurant, bar or church hall that doesn’t give at least some nod to the city’s fish fry tradition. The signs of this ritual are unmistakable: a sweet batter-in-oil smell in the air, queues for tables and the din of conversation marked by an end-of-the-week celebratory mood.
If you’ve feasted on a restaurant Friday fish fry: 3 points.
Bonus: Though fish fry variations are endless, earn 1 point only if you eat the prescribed menu: fried fish, French fries, coleslaw and marbled rye bread all washed down with a locally brewed cold beer. Earn another point if you have waited in line for at least 20 minutes.
deduction: Lose 2 points if you go to a fish fry and order steak.
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9. Downtown Juggle
You can count on a hot and sticky day, territorial crowds and rambunctious clowns that put a bottle of Prozac to shame at our famous Great Circus Parade (July 13; www.circusparade.com). But the parade is more than a one-day opportunity to witness the wild and gaudy spectacle of the marching bands and bejeweled animal wagons. It starts with the Circus Train leaving Baraboo, entails a week-long stomp through the sometimes muddy lakefront circus grounds and ends with pooper scoopers and heat stroke.
If you’ve watched the Circus Parade – live: 5 points.
Bonus: You could show up the day of the parade and scramble for a viewing spot. Or earn 5 points if you’ve spent the night before camping out to hold your prime sidewalk real estate, keeping with Milwaukee tradition.
deduction: Lose 2 points if you’ve had your chair tied to a light post confiscated by police. score
10. Taking Flight
Condé Nast Traveler called it one of the modern wonders of the world. And you’ll hear more foreign languages inside the Calatrava addition to the Milwaukee Art Museum than anywhere else in the city because the Calatrava has done for Milwaukee what the Opera House did for Sydney. It put us on the international architectural map. Stand at the east end of the Quadracci Pavilion overlooking Lake Michigan and you’ll feel as if you’re on the prow of a ship, but steady your sea legs and amble over to the main exhibit hall on the north (www.mam.org).
If you’ve ahhhed at the Calatrava: 2 points.
Bonus: Visit at noon, when it’s not too windy, and witness the closing and opening of the building’s giant wing-like moveable sun shades and collect 1 point.
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11. Hungry Hippos
Please don’t tell us you’ve been neglecting one of the most respected zoos in the country, the Milwaukee County Zoo (www.milwaukeezoo.com). All 365 days of the year you can hear the hyenas cackling in their natural habitats. The food counters and too-expensive vending machines will do nothing to enhance your experience, so go ahead and pack yourself a quaint picnic lunch. Just don’t feed the animals (we used to bring marshmallows for the bears – ahhh memories). And hey, no wishing coins thrown in the penguin tank. After their bout with West Nile virus last summer, they don’t need any more aggravation.
If you’ve visited the zoo: 2 points.
Bonus: Remember that smell of burning plastic? The Mold-A-Rama machines will still make keepsakes on command. Score 1 point for each animal you’ve collected from those above.
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12. Prairie Fires
The smoke of a hundred campfires rises over the prairie once again. The smells of half-cooked and overcooked animal flesh hang over the tribal gathering. Is it H.G. Wells’ famed Time Machine operating in Cream City? Not on your saturated fat, my friend. This is tailgate time at Miller Park (www.milwaukeebrewers.com). Along with the cooler, chips, condiments and briquettes, don’t forget the pre-game show. Boom it loud and proud on your vehicle’s sound system. Or don’t. Turn up an oldies station to drown out the distraction of baseball at this summer ritual that’s an end in itself for many. Certain tailgaters have no idea which team the Brewers are playing. Entering the ballpark (assuming they do) is always a moment of discovery for these happy, well-fed souls.
If you’ve tailgated at Miller Park: 3 points.
Bonus: Give yourself 5 points if you’ve tailgated without buying a game ticket.
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13. Down Memory Lane
Sure, once you climb to the first floor of the Milwaukee Public Museum (www.mpm.edu), you could stalk long-dead dinos or very-much-alive butterflies. But no visit to the place is complete without a stroll down the Streets of Old Milwaukee. The turn-of-the-last-century city scene is built in three-quarter scale and boasts stores, saloons, creaky wooden sidewalks and a really rockin’ granny. Window-peep to your heart’s content.
If you’ve walked the museum’s lean streets: 3 points.
Bonus: Add 2 points if you noticed a new addition to the old town: the African-American Watson family, added about three years ago – theirs is the only residence besides Granny’s.
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14. Ba-Da Bing-O
From Serb Hall to St. Ann’s Village Center to the Potawatomi Casino, you can find a bingo game in Milwaukee on any day of the week in any part of town (call the Bingo Information Line at 327-0695 for a daily schedule – no kidding). Bingo is as much a part of our local culture as beer and brats, Harley and Davidson, Laverne and Shirley. And it’s a lot cheaper than Vegas.
If you’ve played bingo with a crowd: 3 points.
Bonus: Win 2 points for playing a dozen bingo cards at once.
deduction: Lose 2 points – and also forfeit your dauber – if you fail to holler “BINGO!”
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15. South Side 101
Kids today need a working knowledge of local history. We’re not talking about getting the 4-1-1 on Solomon Juneau or the Great Third Ward Fire. Goldmann’s (930 W. Mitchell St.), one of the nation’s few remaining independently owned department stores, is a history lesson. It’s history in the making. The lecture is on muumuus, undergarments for big-boned gals, polyester shirt-and-tie sets for style-conscious fellas (neck sizes run up to 24 inches) and mock chicken legs for brave souls sitting at the lunch counter. You can do all your reading in one afternoon.
If you’ve perused Goldmann’s: 4 points.
Bonus: Score 5 points for actually eating the pork hocks and kraut at the lunch counter.
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16. Party Preschool
Every weekend night, the strip in front of the Water Street bars becomes the location of a capricious parade of lewdly ornamented bachelorettes; barely legal, staggering partiers toting armfuls of marketing campaign freebies; and out-of-towners wondering if their hotel concierge has played a sick joke on them. While Water Street is one of the most happening areas in Milwaukee, it is a place that you graduate from with an advanced degree in “I Can’t Take Another Jell-O Shot Hang-Over Science.”
If you’ve bought a drink on Water Street: 3 points.
Bonus: If you have been accosted on Water Street by an incoherent bachelorette on a bawdy scavenger hunt (or have been that bachelorette or a member of her party), add 5 points.
deduction: If you’ve experienced this phenomenon more than five times, lose 3 points.
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17. View From the Top
For some people, a visit to Summerfest is nearly a religious experience. But the real one, Holy Hill, is actually 30 miles west in Hubertus and it lures nearly as many souls each year (800,000). The site has attracted religious pilgrims since the 1850s, when a French hermit was cured of his paralysis. Old canes and crutches still line the wall outside the chapel, with its rare statue of Mary (exhibited at the 1876 Philadelphia World’s Fair). Others come to the Gothic cathedral seeking spiritual renewal or hike and picnic to take in the breathtaking view. On a clear day, you can see Downtown Milwaukee.
If you’ve ascended Holy Hill: 4 points.
Bonus: Walk the half-mile footpath linking 14 stone grottos or climb the steeple’s 178 steps (50 cents) and earn 1 point.
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18. A Long Fuse
Almost every summer day is Independence Day in Milwaukee, with fireworks around every corner. From ethnic festivals and the spectacular cornea-searing July 3 US Bank Fireworks to State Fair and Summerfest’s Big Bang (June 26), the Milwaukee sky rarely darkens from June to August, which is nice because it rarely lightens the rest of the year.
If you’ve witnessed summer fireworks: 2 points.
Bonus: If you drop a few points on your annual hearing test each fall or have a permanent stiff neck from June to August, earn 1 point.
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19. Under the Milwaukee Sun
In the 1920s, the children of A.O. Smith president Lloyd Smith and his wife, Agnes, had a singular home to make mischief in – Villa Terrace, the tile-roofed replica of a 16th century Italian villa (www.cavtmuseums.org). The Smith home became a museum and, in the last few years, the object of a $2 million garden restoration project to revive its weed-strewn backside. The results of that effort go beyond flora to an eight-passenger tram, statues of mythical gods and an iron entrance called “The Neptune Gate.” In warm weather, the front terrace is transformed into an open-air café called Sopre Mare (“above the sea”).
If you’ve roamed Villa Terrace: 3 points.
Bonus: Chalk up 2 points if you can identify the ironwork artist responsible for the second-floor stairway railing and front entrance gates.
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20. Beer Baron Burials
Sometimes you just need to take a seat and let your car do all the legwork. Sure, you could stroll through Forest Home Cemetery (entrance on South 26th Street and Forest Home Avenue) on foot, but how will you make a fast getaway if an apparition rises from behind the headstone of William G. Davidson (as in Harley-Davidson) or Valentine Blatz (as in the dearly departed beer). Follow the yellow line on the road provided as a guide and you’ll roll past the Pabst family plot and other familiar names like Pillsbury, Pfister and Plankinton.
If you’ve driven through the cemetery: 4 points.
Bonus: Score 1 point if you strayed from the yellow line and created your own rebel tour.
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21. Seafaring
It was poet John Masefield who wrote, “I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely seas and sky.” And any Milwaukee school kid would direct him to the dock down on Old World Third Street, where the good ship Edelweiss (www.weissgerbergroup.com) waits for those of us with sea fever. Ask yourself, just how many brewery tours can one person take in a lifetime? And do you really consider clip-clopping behind a horse’s tail sightseeing? When it’s time to leave dry land behind, then it’s time to sign on with the Edelweiss. And don’t worry, this adventure comes fully catered and under glass. The food’s not under glass, you are – fully protected from weather and nasty spray. Don’t forget to strap on an acupressure seasickness bracelet just in case.
If you’ve cruised on the Edelweiss: 3 points.
Bonus: Give yourself 1 point if you know the names of the two tour ships at the Third Street dock.
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22. 007 kitsch
For 37 years, The Safe House (www.safe-house.com) has been the local refuge for international spies, covert operations and restaurant and bar patrons willing to play along. It’s hidden behind the “International Exports Ltd.” sign at 779 N. Front St., but be careful. Even the address is deceptive. The place is on an alley southwest of the North Water/East Wells streets intersection. After 8 p.m., only a “secret” password moves the bookcase to reveal a hidden staircase. If you don’t already know it, you’ll have to perform some silly antic for customers watching via closed-circuit TV, but hey, that’s only the beginning! If we told you the rest, we’d be shot!
If you’ve entered the Safe House: 3 points.
Bonus: Phone home using handy background sounds (airport? gun shots?) for cover and get 1 point. Solve the giant wall puzzle and chalk up another.
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23. U Need Usinger’s
First, you need to know this: The door to the south at the Usinger’s store (1030 N. Old World Third St.; (www.usingers.com) is where you enter to send any variety of sausage basket, a “just try and find a good Thueringer in Florida” reminder of Milwaukee. The door to the north is where you find instant gratification in the form of a deli counter – a pound of liver sausage, a dozen bratwurst, a pig-shaped summer sausage for your centerpiece. Just take in that spicy aroma and you’ll understand why we bypass the deli counter at the grocery store and come here for the full sausage experience.
If you’ve drooled over the fare at Usinger’s: 3 points.
Bonus: Earn 1 point if you know which of the following is not a type of summer sausage:
A. Thueringer B. Salami C. Mortadella D. Pepperoni
deduction: Lose 1 point if you opt for any of the low-fat offerings (some things just need to be tasted in all their full-fat glory)
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Approaching the high-rise bridge from the south, you can’t miss it: a dome soaring 200 feet above modest duplexes and bungalows, still impressive despite the recent additions of the art museum and baseball stadium to the city’s skyline. It’s the Basilica of St. Josaphat – St. Joe’s to thousands of Milwaukee’s devout Catholics (www.thebasilica. org). Among the city’s sizable inventory of churches, St. Joe’s is the biggest, best-known example of our much-touted old-world architecture. Peek into the sanctuary and you’ll swear you were in Rome.
If you’ve graced the basilica with your presence: 3 points.
Bonus: Bless yourself with 1 point if you know the truth about the “marble” columns.
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25. Talk of the Walk
Meandering through Downtown is the RiverWalk, which flanks the Milwaukee River and is dotted by a growing colony of pricey condos, upscale brew pubs and uneven public art. More serene than the Water Street bar corridor nearby, the RiverWalk runs six blocks on both sides of the river from Highland Avenue to Clybourn Street. Be sure to feast your eyes on the dozen or so sculptures along the way, which range from the cleverly humorous (“Twisted Fish” by Dan Johnson) to the straightforward, like “Gertie the Duck.”
If you’ve strolled the RiverWalk: 2 points.
Bonus: Give yourself 1 point if you can locate the little bronze statue that depicts the half-forgotten feathered river denizen.
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Scoring
0 to 25 points
Call the Illinois relocation program hotline at 800-9-IM-A-FIB.
26 to 69 points
You’re either an eager Milwaukee apprentice or a native who doesn’t get out enough and needs to relearn the basics of Milwaukee 101. Keep working at it.
70 to 120 points
Perhaps you’re a well-trained imposter in our midst who we’ve kindly (or unwittingly) adopted. More likely, you have inherited the title of Milwaukeean and truly earned it as well.
121 to 130 points
Is it possible to be too Milwaukee? Either you’ve lived here too long and never left the city or you’re trying too hard to be one of us. Dare we say, try Chicago? You’ve already conquered Milwaukee.
Answers to bonus questions
7) Mortadella; 22) Edelweiss I & II; 19) Cyril Colnik.
