I wanted to make this a Favre-free zone. Because when British newspapers start grouping the story with snooker updates, things have truly gone too far.
So I was all ready to focus on something else entirely. Maybe how Kenny Perry picked Milwaukee’s U.S. Bank Championship over the British Open.
Or Ben Sheets becoming the first Brewers pitcher in history to start an All-Star Game. Or CC Sabathia becoming a modern-day Babe Ruth, right down to his sweet lefty stroke.
Or even whether the Tour de France would count if nobody knew it had started.
But since Brett went Englebert Humperdink on us – Please release me, let me go… – he’s been impossible to ignore. Like Fran Drescher laughing her way through a chess tournament. And not just around here, as this small sampling of the Weberati shows, to which I’ll add the latest take from Sports Illustrated Favre-o-phile Peter King. Yes, it’s a bona-fide media circus, so somewhere Jay Mariotti is being the clown.
Still, I was ready to take another route. Then a colleague asked me what I thought about the Favre saga, and I knew I couldn’t avoid the story. Because we were both in the john when it happened. And if urinals aren’t Favre-free zones, then how can my column be one? So I gave in.
Inescapable Truth
Simply put, this is the story that ate Wisconsin. It dominates our airwaves and our newspapers and, yes, even our bathrooms. All because a guy wants to throw a football somewhere other than Wrangler commercials.
What’s more, it’s divided the state and Packers Nation into two distinct camps: those who want Brett back and those tired of his act. Fans are rallying at Lambeau Field for the messiah’s deliverance. Others are threatening to give up the Green and Gold for whatever team he ends up with.
Can the team recover? Can the state? More importantly, how in the name of Vince Lombardi did Greta Van Susteren of Fox News get Favre’s first interview. And what will Hillary Clinton’s supporters do?
Um… sorry… wrong divisive issue.
Fortunately, I’ve devised a simple, four-step solution to the problem at hand. And I won’t even charge the Packers a consultant’s fee.
The Great Brett Favre Solution
Step 1: Print “DON’T PANIC” on the front of this year’s Packers media guide in large, friendly letters.
Step 2: Take a lesson from the journey of that great enlightener, Kobe Bryant. Around this time last year, Kobe was screaming louder than Stephen A. Smith that he wanted a trade away from the Los Angeles Lakers. He’d never play for them again, Kobe promised, and he burned more bridges than William Tecumseh Sherman. Columnists wrote about his potential destinations. It was a done deal. Except that his destination was the NBA Finals with those very same Lakers.
The point is, things change, even when it comes to egotistical superstars. As big a mess as this seems to be, and as unlikely as it seems, Favre and the Packers can still kiss and make up. Moreover, they can be successful afterward.
But not if the locker room is divided because Aaron Rodgers is still around. Which brings us to…
Step 3: Bring back Favre and trade Aaron Rodgers.
Look, I know Brett can be more frustrating than a Rubik’s Cube and twice as complex. And there are no good answers to the problem, but this is the best among a pack of bad ones, and it should make the most people happy. Here’s why.
1) Favre will either lead the Pack to more glory – perhaps even a Super Bowl title – and all will be forgotten, or he’ll struggle, the season will bomb, and he’ll finally retire for real. Either way, there’s a certain amount of closure. Certainly more than there is now, anyway.
It’s not that I particularly think Favre has earned the right to return. He’s handled this situation selfishly and with the grace of our nation’s Miss Universe entrant. But this is about what’s best for the team, and paradoxically, despite all the trouble he’s caused, that means giving Favre what he wants. Because…
2) Rodgers is expendable thanks to Green Bay’s two newly drafted young quarterbacks. He may be talented, but he’s also averaging one significant injury for every 30 passes (broken foot, pulled hamstring, 59 passing attempts). Maybe he’ll be the next Peyton Manning, or maybe he’ll be the next Ryan Leaf. But one thing’s for sure: He won’t coexist with Favre, especially since he had so much money riding on being a starter.
And after all that Rodgers has endured, including the soon-to-come tag of helping drive Favre out of town, he can’t possibly see this as a long-term situation. That means he probably won’t re-sign with Green Bay when his contract ends in 2009. So get value for him now, likely in the range of a second- or third-round pick, and move on.
Step 4: Schedule a team appearance on a very special episode of “Dr. Phil.” Because they’re gonna have to hug some of this stuff out.
Do it fellas. Because the other sports deserve some publicity, too. Like baseball.
And Finally…
Those Chicago writers must be nervous about their beloved Cubs. After all, Chicago Sun-Times columnist Greg Couch went to an awful lot of trouble to spout revisionist history last week.
You’ll recall that the Cubs traded for Rich Harden less than 48 hours after Milwaukee acquired CC Sabathia. In fact, they announced the deal mere hours before Sabathia took the mound Tuesday night.
“Well, that was like spray-painting graffiti all over Mayberry,” wrote Couch.
Apparently he missed the memo. Because according to fellow Sun-Times scribe Jay Mariotti, we’re to be referred to as that frumpy hamlet to the north.
Couch framed the trade as the Cubs spoiling Milwaukee’s moment in the spotlight. “Big city bullies to the south horn in on Sabathia euphoria,” reads the subhead.
He wrote about “Ran Braun stammering” (apparently those big city bullies have trouble spelling Ryan) while reacting to the Harden trade, intimating that the Brewers were suddenly scared and cowering in their clubhouse.
“Admit it, Cubs fans, it’s nice to be the big, bad guy for once,” Couch trumpeted.
Problem is, Couch was wrong. Anybody at Miller Park during Sabathia’s debut knows it was an atmosphere of pure joy and exhilaration. Anybody who was there knows the only Cubs thoughts were ones of derision, not intimidation.
And Couch was there. I know because I saw him in the press box.
Greg, we’ll worry about Harden when he doesn’t need a doctor’s note to step on the field. Meantime, you just work on spelling Ryan.
Tune in every Tuesday morning during the 6 o’clock hour when I join Doug Russell and Mike Wickett on SportsRadio 1250 AM. And don’t forget to check out our Bar Time column.
