This week the universe decided to make sure I knew just how much better life is when you take the opportunities to say what you mean, do what you say, and jump into what it means to live the life you want to be living. It was a bittersweet week. From time to time everyone has these and the degree of balance between the good and bad varies depending on how open we are to listen.
Well, this week it was hard for me not to listen. Maybe it’s because this is the time of year I am reminded of my father’s death from cancer, but for whatever reason, the universe really wanted me to not only be aware of life’s majesty, frailty, and resilience at the hands of cancer, but also the grace, strength, and determination that can come into our lives after a loss.
At first I thought I was thinking more about cancer because of my father’s death anniversary. I hate the way that sounds…death anniversary. Normally the word anniversary has a happy connotation, and to partner it with the word death seems, well odd. But how else to describe it? Regardless, his passing, and the vehicle that took him were on my mind. So maybe I was just over sensitive to cancer stories, but this week they came into my awareness ferociously.
There was the status from a grade school-friend, asking for prayers for her husband’s brain cancer treatments. There was the blog post from a college friend, remembering her sister-in-law, a beautiful, feisty, and spirited young mother who passed away from cancer earlier this year. There was the heartfelt comment made by a friend of a friend who just lost his wife, and the mother of his two young children to cancer. There was the status of a young mother, honoring her courageous, late husband who chose to postpone his cancer treatments in order to have their two children. So much pouring of raw, real emotions and it was hard for me not to take it all in and gain some perspective on where I am right now. So I did my own personal checking in and asked myself…am I living it right?
Okay. Don’t worry, I’m not about to go off on a religious tangent. Rather, I wanted to share my reaction to all these cancer messages. At first I wept. Yep. I wept at what I remember those gut wrenching emotions to be when reading each message. I wept at the thought of the children growing up without their mother or father; the wives losing or fighting for their husbands and the husbands who lost their wives. The loss of friends, co-workers. I wept at all the thoughts of what was lost in the present and for the loss of dreams.
Then I thought of what happens after the loss. There is this sort of grey, hazy place that lingers when going through a struggle or loss like this. Everyone goes through this valley of pain differently. Some may not even realize they are going through it because they are just trying to survive, to get through it. (I myself was in this place for years, but in a firm grasp of denial’s hand.) And after that, there is a new place, a different place to start living in. It has a new feel, a new routine, and while it isn’t what you know, or even like at first, you come to realize it’s real and it’s forward. It won’t ever be the same place where you were…but it’s not supposed to be, that’s what change is.
And that’s what, after going through my own losses I’ve come to acknowledge. That life is constantly changing and constantly moving forward. And knowing that, embracing that thought, in many ways can be comforting and empowering. You have a choice to live life on your terms. I know, I know, I’m coming across a little like a 10-word quote on a bumper sticker, but I seriously believe that through loss, you can choose to embrace and learn from change to be better for yourself and others, or you can choose to stay in the grey. I hope you stay away from the grey. I was there too long and missed out on some of life’s joys.
I know the thoughts of all the joys I missed while in the grey were on my mind this week as well. I try not to beat myself up for it. It is what it is and I am grateful to have made it through my own valley of pain. And in the spirit of the question I posed earlier…Am I living it right?…I reached out to an old SB and friend to remind him that while he has, for his own reasons, left our friendship, I still consider him my friend and hope he finds a way to share someday. I guess it was more of a sign that my friendship door is always open.
And this is where the Sunday Boyfriend philosophy comes into play. Sure, there is the comfortable, always there for you part. Your Sunday Boyfriends will show up front and center, or at least they should, at times of loss. But more importantly, your Sunday Boyfriends represent the idea that your life’s happiness is in your hands. Even in the face of loss, your happiness is still in your hands.
By all means, go through all the Kubler-Ross stages, even anger at the person for leaving, but find the power of what it means to be in control of your own happiness and move forward. Baby steps forward are totally fine if you’re coming out of any kind of loss (cancer, divorce, a break-up, etc). Know it’s okay to feel happiness and joy again. Your heart and soul aren’t designed to be in pain and the grey forever. You’ve just survived a loss and deserve kindness now more than ever. Be the first to give it to yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy a cup of coffee. Smile at your favorite show. Give and accept hugs. Do something you’ve always wanted to. Send notes. And when you get to a better place with the change, and read about someone else going through a loss, take a moment to honor what you’ve been through and become a Sunday Boyfriend in those moments by sending comfort and reminding people they are not alone.
The philosophy, the comfortable, always there for you idea of Sunday Boyfriend, is really more of a way of life to help you feel better about yourself and the relationships you choose to have. I am grateful for all the unique ways each of my Sunday Boyfriends help me discover new sides of myself. And I am grateful for surviving my own valley of pain.
So if you are going through a loss, or find yourself surrounded by others going through loss, take a moment to honor everything you feel and everything you learned, and then when the time is right, chose to surround yourself with the people who are comfortable and always there for you.
As always, stay comfy, be good to yourself and your Sunday Boyfriends.
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