Hey Stephen Colbert, Thanks for Apologizing to Milwaukee

It was cool of you to apologize and we in Milwaukee appreciate it.

DEAR STEPHEN COLBERT,

Ten out of 10 apology, my man. Much thanks yous.

I live in Kenosha, so late night comedy has been real real far from my mind lately, but I was given a brief moment of happy relief when I woke up this morning to see that you made a real honest-to-God, earnest and amusing mia culpa to our fair city in your show last night. It was very cool of you, and as the self-appointed Voice of Milwaukee, I’d like to say that we appreciate it.

And we also appreciate the writer who wrote the Virtual Milwaukee sketch. Even though we know Madison is technically only part of Wisconsin – we have it surrounded and could conquer it if need be – he still counts as one of us. Sometimes jokes just don’t land right, like a Boeing seven-thirty … you know what, I’m gonna take my own advice and cut myself off right there. I wish you a long and fruitful comedy career, Mr. Anonymous Wisconsin Writer Man.

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So Steph, if you ever feel like rolling through for a wild night of Wisco fun, hit me up. As a young man about town, I know all the hottest spots, such as the used auto parts store and the First Reformed Lutheran church. They get pretty wild there, but I’m sure you can handle it.

Also, while I’m tossing out niceties here, I want to add that I like the new, long hair. It’s slick. It’s cool. Laid back. Like, I could imagine you being some kid’s stepdad, and the kid at first is like, “No, screw you, Mister, you’re not my dad,” but then you run a hand through those locks, give him those soulful Irish-Catholic eyes of yours, and say, “I know I’m not, Matthias. But I’d sure like to be,” and the kid breaks down and loves you forever.

And just like little Matthias, you have won me over Stephen.

But I do have one bone to pick.

It’s my femur.

That was a joke.

Get it?

Do you get it?

Because “bone to pick” is a metaphorical phrase, and femur is, you know, an actual bone.

I inverted audience expectations. With my humor.

I’m available for comedy writing gigs, by the way.

SINCERELY, 

ARCHER PARQUETTE

P.S. You didn’t mention my screenplay, Milwaukee Mayhem, on your show. Too smart for unsophisticated audiences, you think? Yeah, I agree. Good thing, I have this new heartfelt romcom for you—The Curds of the Heart. It stars you and Amy Adams as a pair of dairy farmers, who fall in love after she loses her legs in a curding accident. It’s a guaranteed box office smash, I’m telling you.

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Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.