Oil-Covered Snowy Owl Rescued and Recovering
There was once a snowy owl. We will call her Ms. Beatrice.
Ms. Beatrice was a proud owl, a beautiful creature with white-flecked feathers and large, haunting eyes. But Ms. Beatrice ran into a spot of trouble and found herself dirtier than your little brother’s browser history. In the course of her 1,000-mile migration from the Artic, she ended up soaked in diesel oil and suffering from hypothermia, and she sought shelter at a Milwaukee recycling center. After she was found on a mountain of refuse last Friday, the Wisconsin Humane Society in Milwaukee came and rescued her. Ms. Beatrice was extremely weak, had respiratory illness and bruised and abraded wings likely from her attempts to fly while they were soaked in oil. Thankfully, Ms. Beatrice is now recovering at the Humane Society.
The Fonz’ Jacket Was For Sale
There’s nothing cooler than pulling on some tight leather and hitting the streets to cruise.
Wait.
Um … I’m referring to, uh, Henry Winkler’s jacket going on auction.
The leather jacket he wore as The Fonz, along with his motorcycle were sold at the “TCM Presents … Hollywood Cool” auction on Wednesday. Honestly, I’m a little disappointed that Mayor Barrett didn’t fly out to California and try to win that sucker for the Bronze Fonz.
Zero Dark Goats
Like Navy Seals dropped into enemy territory to take down Osama Bin Laden, the Milwaukee County Parks system may soon deploy an elite unit of goats to eliminate invasive species. This is very much a real story. The proposal received its first approval this week. The goats would be dropped into parks that are overrun with buckthorn, honeysuckle, and other invaders, and graze them out of existence. There is, as always, the issue of poop. Jamie Polley, the director of the Marathon County parks department, said that when his county did a similar program the goats mostly took care of their business in the “vegetated area” and that it wasn’t a big problem for parkgoers. Personally, I think a few dookies are a small price to pay for our freedom.
It’s time to pick your Milwaukee favorites for the year!
Carl the Turkey is Dead
Some dark news out of Kenosha this week. Carl the Turkey, a beloved fixture who wandered Forest Park for the past few years, was run over and killed. You might be thinking to yourself, “About two weeks ago, we slaughtered thousands upon thousands of turkeys, butchered them, and fed their flesh to our loved ones. Why are we now crying about this turkey that got hit by a car?”
Because those other turkeys weren’t Carl.
Carl was a warm soul, a kind heart and a devoted friend. I still remember the many afternoons I spent strolling the neighborhood with Carl. No matter how tough life got, I always knew that for a few minutes, I could forget my troubles on a walk with him. I still remember those lovely afternoons. People would pass us by and say, “Is that dude talking to the turkey again?” and “Shhh, don’t make eye contact,” and “Do you think we should call the police?” Those were the days.
R.I.P., my feathery brother. May you gobble forever with the angels.
The End of Snow Days
I’ve always been a big fan of virtual learning because I hate children. Worse learning outcomes, lower test scores, poor socialization, general unhappiness — count me in, man, sounds like a great way to finally take down those annoying little brats. But virtual learning has finally taken things a step too far. Some Wisconsin school districts are considering turning snow days into virtual learning days. What a load of trash. Even a stone-hearted misery merchant such as myself knows you can’t take away snow days. That was childhood’s greatest and most pure winter joy. It turned dark, freezing days full of brutal snowfall and bitter winds into a celebration. I still remember staying up the night before, watching WISN as the school names scrolled by, just waiting for mine to join the list. And when it finally did, I would literally leap for joy. My dad, even though he’d still have to drive an hour to work the next day regardless of the weather, would be just as thrilled — that’s how infectious the happiness of a snow day is.
I don’t care if it makes more sense to have the kids on their stupid laptops. I don’t care if you have to tack on the missed school days at the end of the year. We can’t lose snow days. Not without losing our very souls.
