The monthly meat deal at Bunzel’s Meat Market, the new home of which just opened today at 9015 W. Burleigh St., is always the year. So, through December, you’ll pay $20.16 for a big ol’ bag of meat (the most recent details of which you can find here). The Just Desserts duo, always careful to mix our savories with our sweets, sought out this rugged new offering with multiple checkout lines, sauces, animal parts and catering specials. Can this stab at proteinaceous glory transcend its homey predecessor? ‘Tis a story once told by the Brothers Glorioso.
Matt Hrodey: I think you may have already alerted the public through Instagram that the new Bunzel’s Meat Market, 8415 W. Burleigh St., Milwaukee, has approximately 70 varieties of hot sauce.
Claire Hanan: Is that the most exciting feature? Should we end the discussion here?
MH: Three of the brands are “Professor Phardtpounder’s Colon Cleaner,” “Dr. Assburn’s Fire Roasted Habanero” and “Professor Payne Indeass’s Sphincter Shrinker.” This store isn’t playing around.
CH: Do you really want to ingest something from someone named Professor Payne?
MH: I’m far more interested in the London Broil. Do you know what that is? Let me tell you. It’s steak wrapped around cheddar cheese, Swiss cheese, bacon, mushrooms, more mushrooms, red onions, steak seasoner and Sicilian bread crumbs, for $9.99/lb. I’m not sure how you cook it, but I’d like to try.
CH: Is it rolled up? Please provide photographic evidence. What was the most exotic meat offering you found?
MH: It’s rolled. And to answer your question: Duck Backs, right next to Chicken Backs.
CH: Just above the backs were the hearts. It was nice to see so many chicken bits being used. There was even freshly made chicken broth!
MH: Twas lovely. They had some interesting arm and blade cuts of chuck roast, like for a pot roast. Big, wide things priced at $8.49/lb., a tad more than for a hunk of chuck at area grocery stores. But we’re also talking about Choice and Prime beef here, folks.
CH: There were a few ground mixes, too, including the Meat Loaf Mix, which was made of pork, veal and beef for a paltry $4.99/lb. I noticed boneless, skinless chicken breasts were priced the same. What are your thoughts on the size? I was told the new store is about 3.5 times the size of the old store on 84th and Burleigh.
MH: They’ll find ways to use more of the space as time goes on. The meat counter itself is a mile long, and the frozen cases go from turkey necks to pepperoni Hot Pockets to Swedish meatballs to Artisan Pub Burgers. Did you find anything lacking at this tender stage? Today was the Grand Opening.
CH: The sauce aisle seemed very robust compared to other aisles, but I’m assuming they’ll fill it out with time. Each shelving unit had antiques decorating the top, which isn’t something you’ll find at a Sendik’s or Metro Market. It seems like they have room to become a fully fledged specialty grocer if they want to. The cheese section, for example, was nice but could be expanded. The bakery case was a bonus, though. We snagged six giant, cake-like brownies for the office. I’d give them one thumb up.
If you could go back tonight, what’s the one thing you’d go to pick up?
MH: Irish banger sausage. They’re hard to find in the area, I know from doing the meat and sausage section of our last Food Lover’s Guide. And you?
CH: There were some bourbon chicken wings for $3.99/lb, and frozen pierogi. It’s not as easy as you’d think to find pierogi.
MH: And once again we return to little dumplin’s.
CH: They were right above the frozen mango. How was your food from the hot bar?
MH: The roast beef with gravy was delicious, but the deviled egg potato salad just wasn’t my style. I like potato salad that’s less slippery and more starchy.
CH: Did you drop the potato salad in your cubicle? Or did you trip on it?
MH: It got everywhere. Where does Bunzel’s lie on your patented spectrum of chicken prices, vis-a-vis other local grocers?
CH: The wing prices were about average, but BSBs (boneless, skinless breasts) were incredibly fair. By the way, I just finished my pulled pork from the deli area. The sauce was great, and the meat had great flavor, but the sizes of the pieces were either tiny strands or knuckle-sized chunks.
MH: If you had to use two adjectives and a noun to describe this place where there’s a 20 foot tall (*estimate) knife attached to the sign outside, what would you say?
CH: Reasonable Carnivorous Rainbow. And you?
MH: Slippery Delicious Turkey-Necks
CH: I can hear the radio ad now. What did you think of the baked treats (which are made in-house)?
MH: Our research may have overlooked the strong suit, cookies, although I’m willing to reopen a line of inquiry. The brownies were OK. The serious problem with brownies is that they always create such high expectations. If they’re not breath-stoppingly good, then they are automatically smeh.
CH: I’m more of the mind that brownies are like snowflakes and there are no two that are the same. These were definitely too cake-like for me, however.
MH: I deal with high brownie expectations every day. This is my life.
CH: Who makes the best brownies in Milwaukee then?
MH: I really don’t eat that many.
CH: Colectivo’s are quite good.
MH: That’s good to know. I can hear you now soliciting Ann Christenson’s opinion. This will be a fine day of setting down the truth for all to know. Uh oh, it’s getting contentious.
CH: The plebs in the office are chiming in to say Whole Foods has good brownies – for Corporate America.
MH: Also cookies.
CH: This might be a separate investigation for Milwaukee Magazine’s version of Spotlight. I think we’ve dined enough for one day.
MH: Cue trailer: Locked in a room with nothing but a gallon of milk and a stack of carryout boxes.
Claire: We’re not leaving until we know.
Ann: Know what?
Claire: The truth. What nobody in town wants to recognize. That the best brownies in town might be from Whole Foods.
Matt: No, I want no part in this. No way, no how. You’re playing with fire. Independent bakers and sweet makers will ruin this magazine.
Fade to black on C. Hanan’s determined grimace.
CH: It has not gone unnoticed that you gave yourself the most lines.
MH: This is why actors are usually not also screenwriters.
CH: Life is topsy turvy in this Just Desserts world.
MH: Wait, it’s 26 words for you and 24 for me, if I counted right. Plus you get the final shot.
CH: I won’t apologize for not being a robot machine with a built in calculator controlled by The Man, Matt.
Correction: A previous, incorrect address was taken from an apparently outdated store flyer.
