Word is that Green Bay plays a football game tonight, and this one actually counts in the standings. So apparently I returned from vacation just in time for the NFL to matter again.
After all, nothing interesting ever happens during football’s offseason, right?
So while Tom Brady’s fantasy football owners schedule their psychotherapy appointments, we’ve got better things to do. Like telling you about the entire Packers’ season before it even happens. Because we’re impatient that way.
Here, then, is part one of our two-part preview of Green Bay’s 2008 season. Or, as it’s referred to on some calendars, Year 1, A.F.
Game 1, vs. Minnesota, Sept. 8
The postgame sense of relief is palpable at Lambeau Field. Aaron Rodgers, gamely playing through some ingrown beard hair, throws three touchdowns in his first-ever start, a 28-20 win over Minnesota. More importantly, halftime rumors that Packers souvenir stands are out of Brett Favre Jets jerseys prove unfounded, allowing the National Guard to stand down.
Game 2, at Detroit, Sept. 14
A hot microphone catches snippets of Packers GM Ted Thompson conversing with his Detroit counterpart, Matt Millen. Asked for advice on how to keep your job in the face of a hostile fan base, Millen smiles and says, “Pictures. Lots of pictures.” Still smiling after Green Bay’s 42-7 win, Millen begins researching the 2009 NFL Draft by Googling “college wide receivers.”
Game 3, vs. Dallas, Sept. 21
Tony Romo’s latest return to Wisconsin involves more than a visit to Olive Garden with Jessica Simpson. His Cowboys whip Green Bay 35-10, and Rodgers hears a smattering of boos after his third interception leads to another Dallas TD. Outside the postgame press conference, Ted Thompson is overheard asking directions to Camera Corner in Green Bay.
Game 4, at Tampa Bay, Sept. 28
Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden denies he’s still upset at the Packers for not trading Favre to the Buccaneers. As for defensive end Kevin Carter suddenly changing his jersey number to 4, Gruden brushes it off as mere coincidence. “We don’t play those mind games here,” Gruden says after Tampa’s 17-6 win. “But Carter’s five sacks were a nice bonus.”
Games 5 through 7, vs. Atlanta, Seattle and Indianapolis, October
Wisconsin barely notices the Packers reel off three straight wins because the state is too distracted by the storybook playoff run of the Milwaukee Brewers.
Clinching a wildcard berth on the regular season’s final day, Milwaukee gets playoff sweeps of both the New York Mets and Chicago Cubs, avenging regular-season ineptitude against both teams. And despite protests from network executives, the World Series featuring Milwaukee and Tampa Bay is still played as scheduled.
The decisive fifth game, watched by literally hundreds outside of Wisconsin and Florida, sees CC Sabathia start for the third time in four days. He hands a 3-1 eighth-inning lead to Eric Gagne, who surrenders a game-tying two-run homer. But in the final at bat of his career, Craig Counsell’s pinch-hit ninth-inning single sends Prince Fielder racing for home. Rays catcher Dioner Navarro, thinking of his wife and kids, chooses not to block the plate, and Milwaukee goes mad with joy.
Game 8, at Tennessee, Nov. 2
Still hung over from the Brewers-induced and state-mandated celebratory weeklong drinking binge, the Packers finally lose. Of greater concern, however, is the health of Aaron Rodgers, who exits the 24-3 defeat with a condition trainers call “mental discomfort.” They promise a thorough update on Monday.
Still, at the season’s halfway mark, Green Bay’s 5-3 record is good enough to share the NFC North lead with Minnesota and surprising Chicago.
Detroit, at 0-8, announces Matt Millen has signed a three-year contract extension.
Next week: Part Two (playoffs included?)
In other news…
Opportunity Knocks for Brett
The New England Patriots made it official Monday: Tom Brady’s coronation as best quarterback in history is on hold for at least a year. He’ll miss the entire season, and at age 31, whether Brady will ever regain his old form is a legitimate question.
And suddenly the surreal Brett Favre story has about a hundred new facets.
Before, expectations were that Favre’s Jets would struggle to fight for a wildcard berth. Now, with the Pats clearly weakened, more than a few people now see Favre’s Jets as favorites in the AFC East, while the Pats may miss the playoffs entirely.
Just when you thought the Favre saga couldn’t get more interesting, it does. And we’re only in Week One.
Ant Farm
The Milwaukee Bucks have a new minor-league basketball affiliate, the Fort Wayne Mad Ants.
Personally, I was pulling for Adam and the Ants. Just check out the uniform possibilities.
A quick word on Gagne
Eric Gagne has absorbed plenty of criticism, from myself and others, because that’s what happens when you make $10 million and your ERA is 6.69. But he deserves credit for the good stuff, too. Like donating $50,000 to the MACC fund (Midwest Athletes Against Childhood Cancer), the largest single donation by an athlete in the fund’s 32-year history.
No punchline here, just a genuine tip of the cap to Gagne’s generosity.
And finally…
If you’ve ever thought it seemed Brewers manager Ned Yost wasn’t fully aware of in-game situations, here’s a shocker.
Turns out you’re right.
Tune in every Tuesday morning during the 6 o’clock hour when I join Doug Russell and Mike Wickett on SportsRadio 1250 AM for Tuesdays with Howie. And don’t forget to check out our Bar Time column.
