We settled into our seats on a recent flight, a little cramped but not too bad. We were in the potentially dangerous middle and window seats of the three-by-three configuration of the now nearly archaic 737, with the aisle seat open. We were hoping that the seat would stay unoccupied, but just before they closed the doors, I saw him approaching. To say he was ample in size is an understatement, to the point where I wondered if he’d be able to get his hind quarters between the armrests. As it turned out, barely.
 |
|
Courtesy of mariazymirinda.org
|
As the plane took off, a few grim realities began to set in. First and most evident was that his last encounter with a bar of soap couldn’t have been very recent. Then, it became clear he was going to nap. It was warm on the plane and, as his snoring got louder and louder, he began to sweat. I became aware of this when a crystalline droplet hit my arm. That was just before he began to list towards me, I’m sure in his subconscious he was thinking of using my shoulder as a pillow.
As I struggled to maintain some semblance of calm, I realized that the trip actually had started well. We got through security with no trouble; in fact the TSA agents were kind of pleasant. But it went downhill from there. As we waited to board the flight, being in “zone 5” out of 5 and quite last to board, we were approached by another TSA agent who demanded to rub us down with a cardboard-like stick, that he first sprayed with some awful smelling chemical. Why this was necessary is beyond me. We’d cleared security, and even though it was early in the morning, based on my last look in the mirror I wasn’t thinking that I resembled a terrorist.
On board, the comfort level deteriorated quickly, starting in the seat next to me, but unfortunately not ending there. The precocious three year-old behind me decided a number of good solid kicks to the back of my seat were in order, and for some reason he did not respond to the vaunted “Palmer stare”. Then the equally large man in front of me decided to recline his seat as far as it would go, giving it a few extra pushes, with a commensurate grunt or two, to ensure that it would virtually touch my knees. So picture if you would, a gargantuan next to me, snoring, sweating and leaning; a young man behind me kicking the bejeezes out of my seat; the guy in front impaling my legs so that I basically couldn’t move. Ahh, the joy of air travel.
I thought to myself, “how do I get through this?” I remembered AirTran advertising like crazy that there was wi-fi onboard each flight. In the small space I had in front of me, maybe there was room for my laptop. I powered it up, hit my browser, and boom! I see a one-day Internet browsing pass is available for the bargain price of $12.95. Yikes.
They gouge you at every step, which is why they can start out offering “low fares”. The ticket is relatively inexpensive, but it costs an arm and a leg to actually get on the plane: if you want a pre-assigned seat, 20 bucks. Check one bag? Another $20. A second bag? Add $25. Internet? $12.95. I half expected there to be a coin-operated lavatory. But I never found out since I couldn’t move.
One thing they do offer free is XM radio, which you know I love. But XM is satellite based. So why then isn’t the Internet free? Thank God I could use headphones to listen to music, since due to the aforementioned tight quarters I was unable to reach my briefcase to retrieve my iPod, and since the kicking young lad behind me was also watching some sort of screeching high-pitched movie without headphones.
I saw recently that dealing with stress in a positive way could actually lengthen your life expectancy. The way the flying experience is evolving, if I can just keep laughing at all this, I have a shot at living to 120.
