So let me get this straight. I woke up this morning and the best quarterback in the NFC North was … Jon Kitna?
I suppose we should’ve known something was up. We wanted to believe that Brett Favre couldn’t resist taking one more shot at grabbing that ring – not the brass one, but the one they give to NFL champs.
But quarterbacks who lead their team within spitting distance of the Super Bowl shouldn’t need a month and a half to decide about the next season. They should want that season to start tomorrow, because they were thisclose, and they can’t wait to go at it again.
But we saw Brett Favre in that icebox of an NFC Championship Game. We watched his nose glow redder than Rudolph’s, watched him shiver like he had a ghost in his jock and watched his last pass sail into the arms of Giants cornerback Corey Webster.
Then we sat by and waited. Again. And waited. And waited. And as the days went by and Brett wasn’t drooling over another Super Bowl run, we had this nagging feeling. Did we leave the house unlocked? Leave the iron on? Or was … Brett … really gonna…?
Yeah, he was.
Brett Favre is retired. Not might be. Not considering it or debating it or discussing it with family.
Is.
And we all know what the definition of ‘is’ is. Well, most of us do.
We’ve watched his top-rated show since 1992 and have never been more entertained. But even “M*A*S*H” had to end sometime.
Now there will be the arguments and finger-pointing. Whose fault is it? Should the Packers have kowtowed to Brett and flat-out begged him to return? Should Brett have shelved his ego for the good of the team? Is it really Randy Moss’ fault? And can Sen. Arlen Specter somehow link this to Belichick’s spygate?
None of it matters, though. What matters is that we were lucky enough to live through the Favre era, and that era is officially over.
So let the wake begin, but make it an Irish wake. Shed your tears if the spirit moves you, but smile at the memories and raise your glass in cheerful toast.
Brett Favre, your sunset awaits.
A Princely Sum?
If you’re worried that your wife might be mad – as in throbbing forehead veins mad – you don’t quell her by picking dandelions from the front yard. You don’t give her Snickers bars and you don’t drape candy necklaces around her neck.
No, if mama’s not happy, then nobody’s happy. So you dang well better make sure she’s smiling like Keith Olbermann at a Bill O’Reilly roast.
Which means you pay the ransom note and buy a dozen roses. And if that’s not enough, you find a box of Godiva (I recommend the truffles). And if she still thinks you have something in common with toe jam, then it’s time to get acquainted with the 4 C’s of diamonds – carat, cut, color and cash.
Maybe it still won’t be enough. Maybe she’ll end up sharing those Godivas with the law offices of Screwem & Good. But at least you tried your best.
At least you didn’t lose her by skimping.
Well, the Milwaukee Brewers just renewed Prince Fielder’s contract with dandelions and Snickers bars. And the Big Vegetarian sure isn’t happy about it.
Fielder got $670,000, which is plenty in the real world, but a pittance for someone who treats baseballs like Whack-A-Moles. Nobody in the league is getting paid less for doing more, so you can understand his frustration and anger. If you single-handedly elevated your company to another level, you’d want a bigger raise, too.
And in the skewed world of baseball finance, apparently Fielder didn’t want that much more. Word is that $900,000 would’ve made him happy. So you’re telling me that a satisfied Prince isn’t worth an extra quarter-million – less than .5 percent of Milwaukee’s projected $80 million payroll – but Eric Gagne is worth $10 mil and 12.5 percent of that payroll?
That, my friends, is missing the forest for the trees, and a giant redwood forest at that.
I know the Brewers have strict rules for compensating players who aren’t yet arbitration-eligible. But when a company’s rules become detrimental to its own health, then it’s time to re-evaluate the rules. Or at least allow an exception for exceptional performances.
The most ominous quote from Fielder’s came in response to whether the contract flap would compromise future talks with the club. “That’s between me and my agent,” Fielder said. “He’s handling it.”
And he’s Scott Boras, who makes divorce lawyers look like circus clowns.
In other words, playtime is over. So is the time for roses and chocolates.
Because you never treat a Prince like a pauper.
This week’s pop quiz
1) What punishment befell those responsible for the erroneous “Favre to retire” headline on Packers.com?
A) Sent to Kiln on a tractor for indefinite Favre-watch duty.
B) Canceled their subscription to World of Warcraft.
C) Took away their Wii
D) Transferred to Lions.com.
E) (March 4 addendum) Offered job at Psychic Hotline.
2) What big-name player will the Packers refuse to sign in the offseason, and why?
A) Randy Moss, because they don’t want to remind anyone of that fourth-round pick.
B) Alge Crumpler, because his first name is Alge.
C) Rex Grossman, because with all those beers and brats, Pack fans have more than enough heartburn.
3) What justification did Tony LaRussa give for wanting to sign Barry Bonds?
A) “This guy, that’s some serious work that he does to get himself ready to compete.”
B) “I mean, c’mon, do you know how much work it takes to inject yourself?”
C)) “And seriously, there’s nothing easy about beating a federal perjury rap.”
D) “Besides, he’d give Yost another irresistible beanball target in a crucial late-season game.”
In other news…
Knight move
Apparently ESPN didn’t consult Jeremy Schaap or columnist Pat Forde before hiring Bobby Knight as an analyst. Let’s hope whatever studio chair he sits in is bolted to the floor.
Pressing the Bucks
Uh oh, Larry Harris. Bill Simmons is serious about wanting your job. And the ESPN.com columnist has a few good points. Especially that part about the free kielbasa.
And finally…
The good folks of England have an ingenious plan to revive their Olympic movement.
Their next challenge: finding a good dentist.
Tune in every Tuesday morning from 6 a.m. to 7 a.m. when I join Doug Russell and Mike Wickett on SportsRadio 1250 AM. And if you can’t get enough Favre talk, check out 1250’s extended coverage of his retirement. Plus, don’t forget to check out our Bar Time column.
