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10 Things Today's Valve Announcement Won't Be
But then again, we could be right. (Update: We were not.)


Would be great if the last image was: :P

UPDATE: And it's ... a new controller.

As what is probably the world's most revered video game company counts down to what could be its biggest announcement in over a decade  a lot of speculation here, I know  we're left with only cryptic shapes for clues. The first announcement, at the beginning of this week, was the Linux-based SteamOS operating system (the first circle seen above). The second, which landed mid-week, was the "Steam Machines" lineup, a range of living room systems running SteamOS that could prove stiff competition for the Xbox One and PS4.

In a little under an hour, the last circle will illuminate at this site, and we'll know ... the truth. This entire process is supposed to have something to do with the "Living Room," as the Steam Machines clearly do. But SteamOS can run on desktops and laptops as well, which broadens the scope slightly. At most, Valvians are hoping for the long-fabled, long-awaited Half Life 3 announcement, which has already happened in many dreams and been foretold in many Reddit posts and in the highly speculative, non-serious GIF seen below.



Also, and this is more serious, the last question from the mid-week announcement's FAQ reads as follows.

Am I going to be using a mouse and a keyboard in the living-room?
If you want. But Steam and SteamOS work well with gamepads, too. Stay tuned, though - we have some more to say very soon on the topic of input.

Which sounds a little like motion detection. But aren't sales of the Wii slumping? Didn't we leave most of that stuff back in 2010, and hasn't the core audience moved on?

The situation is enough to make one think Valve is coupling a software announcement (if circle icon = software) that's both married to SteamOS (as Half-Life 2 was to Steam, the marketplace and games library) and a total Horatio moment. "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio / Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Just what could this new dream be? Engage hyper-rampant speculation mode.

 
Patented rust-red, motion-detection crowbar controller with directional joystick and optional syringe for administering medical care to Barney Calhoun and assorted stranded scientists.


Gordon Glasses (R) double as VR system and challenger for Google Glass. Because why just take on Microsoft and Sony when you could also take on Google and jerks worldwide.


Motion-detection controller / Nerf gun in the shape of the 
Gravity Gun and also bearing a warning not to aim directly at grandparents with pacemakers, or small pets.


A molded bust of Gabe Newell's head, and you play HL3 by peering deep into his warm, watery eyes. Like Virtual Boy, but with fewer colors.


Valve is entering the tablet market with Gordon's Clipboard. Each unit will come with HL3 installed and a new photo-sharing app that nobody uses because in order to share your photos, you need yes-votes from at least 1,500 people.


Steam Dreams. Rapid-eye movements trigger one of several ambiguous moral choices in HL3. Also, you play G-Man doing some very sinister paperwork. A huge Papers, Please ripoff.


HL3 will be cross-platform like you've never seen cross-platform before. Living Room Couch. Washing Machine. Dashboard Digital Clock. 
Native support for on-board Laptop graphics.


HL3 actually wasn't very good, so we're moving on to HL4.


Working in secret, John Carmack has just put the finishing touches on Source 3: Holy Grail (again, we scrapped Source 2 because it wasn't very good), which renders by beaming data directly into the player's prefrontal cortex. But there will be no Windows support.


A zombie game. (Which it actually could be: Left 4 Dead 3.)




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