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Hee-Haw...Doom, Dispair and Agony on Me!
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all!
Why is it when a corporation experiences fiscal suffering and utilizes bankruptcy protection to restructure their finances, they are considered responsible, are applauded, supported, backed, bailed out, re-vitalized?
No business, nor any person, really wants that. Bankruptcy has never helped me, and I did it twice. Don’t believe everything you hear on commercials.

Yes, I have done things that I am not proud of in my past. I have made mistakes, and I paid sorely for each and every one of them. Today, I am an honest, low- to middle-  (potentially) class black woman, single mother (but not by choice) and I care about other people. I give to people – sometimes, I forget, I have little to give. I support people, even those who don’t deserve my support. I am kind, and I am friendly. I’ve tried not to have a bank account, but with a budding home-based business, it is standard business practice to have an account. I rarely have money to deposit, either because I worked before being paid (trustingly) or someone else hasn’t paid as they promised (or suddenly can’t pay). The bottom line is that I am trying to rebuild my credit with a bankruptcy, a criminal background, as a black woman, a single woman, who just lost her job Feb 10, 2012. I apply for six to eight positions per week. I know how to look for a job, follow up, create winning resumes, but no one is saying “yes,” as of yet. But I know the average time a person might look for full time work. I teach this stuff. But now, it’s me!

Staying in the black is a mess. Getting in the black has now become messier. I can’t help others, when my oxygen mask is ill fitting and blowing thick, black smoke up my nose.

We read about nationwide suffering due to the recession. We read that blacks make less than whites, on the average – and we just let that go. We know men make more than women. Nothing changes. When I have asked for attention, support, products and services that help me rebuild credit and not ones (like late fees an overdraft penalties) punish me for having “poor” credit, I just get ignored or blamed for being fiscally irresponsible. I don’t qualify for welfare, but I did need unemployment. Getting food stamps (which I don’t qualify for because I am in grad school) or anything connected to Milwaukee County Benefits, is as nightmarish as my plasma bank trips. I can’t force my daughter’s father to pay any more support than he can or wants to pay. I have been to court fighting for that. But, that fighting and filing paperwork costs, as well. I blame only myself, not the Governor, not my “baby daddy,” not the “Man.” I’m just blogging that, it is indeed hard out here for a PIMP (Person in a Management Position)!

I recently learned, I have a learning disability, dyscalculia in math. I am ignored and persecuted, for mathematical errors or even worse, criminalized for them. The rules for a bank/credit union are always punitive for me. I don’t qualify for loans. I don’t qualify for credit cards. I don’t qualify for overdraft protection. I don’t qualify for a home equity loan, because I never qualified for a home loan. I am an honest person today. If I am not to patronize community check cashing and payday loan establishments, someone has to believe in me and pay attention to my account and work with me, regularly so that I succeed. Again, I think I am being viewed as dishonest and impudent as opposed to naïve and trying to live from day to day, with very few products and services for someone in my position. I doubt I am alone. Often, I choose between food, gas, bills and necessities. Something always loses.

We hear that a person is a person and not a credit history. This doesn’t seem to apply to me. However, I am not a victim, nor do I recommend it. I will just keep moving, gracefully from crisis to crisis and do like Tupac said, and “Keep My Head Up,” even though I’d much rather bury it in the sand.

Just saying.

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