Last year, about this time, I put together a post which was a parody of the 12 Days of Christmas. It was fun to write and appears to be getting quite a bit of attention lately. Great! Many thanks. This year, I’m changing gears a bit and focusing less on material gifts received once a year and more on the long-term gifts a Sunday Boyfriend can offer.
The Sunday Boyfriend motto: Comfortable. Always there for you. That sums up what a Sunday Boyfriend should be in a nutshell. But what it doesn’t come right out and say is that there must be a connection between two people in order for the SB relationship to work. Be it a physical attraction, a friendship, or more, there has to be something the two of you value that brings you together. If not, you need to ask yourself what you are really getting out of that relationship before you start calling him your Sunday Boyfriend. And this is a good way to test any of your relationships, really. If you aren’t connecting, if you aren’t getting the things you need and/or aren’t offering things that are needed, then you basically have two choices:
Start developing an exit strategy.
Or if you find value in the relationship, start thinking of ways to fix it.
So what makes a connection? I’ve found this is highly subjective. Many times it is the little things that make all the difference. Sometimes it starts as chemistry. Sometimes it’s a shared interest. Sometimes it’s just sheer luck. But when men and women speak different “languages” and interpret intimacy in ways that seem at times to be polar opposites, the chances of anyone “connecting” seem as likely as Donald Trump giving up the comb-over. Despite these slim odds, connections do happen. And in my case, when they do, I rarely want to give them up.
Sure, there have been times with several of my Sunday Boyfriends where we had significant gaps in communication. And in once case I thought for sure I would never hear from him again. Even so, I always felt a “connection” and hoped they were well.
So for me, I don’t need Christmas days filled with birds or leaping lords. In my youth, such grand gestures surely caught my attention. But at this age, a wise-enough-to-know-I-still-have-much-to-learn-age, I would much rather focus on developing deeper connections with the people who make me laugh, make me think, push me out of my comfort zones to grow, and yes, at times, stir my hormone pot (we really need to relax about having chemistry with people and applaud it like adults, rather than stifle it like fearmongers), than on thinking happiness comes in a box with a bow.
Here are some recent examples of how I connect with my Sunday Boyfriends:
My College SB: We recently had lunch and it was, as usual, a fun time. We always seem to fall into the same comfortable conversation patterns – even though it may seem to others our debates are heated. And this time, like many rendezvous in our over 20 years of friendship, was no different. Discussions of the recent presidential election, our governor’s response to the aforementioned election, and a bevy of proposed solutions to our state’s war-on-teachers issue were hammered out over a scrumptious butternut squash soup and mouthwatering filet. Seal the meeting with a, “you smell nice” hug and steady flow of flirtatious one-liners and it was connection perfection.
My Gay SB: After some news about a mutual friend had me in a quandary, I contacted my Gay SB for some balance. He is always fair and honest, so I know going to him will be real. And in this case in particular, I needed real. He delivered; and injected his adorable humor just to seal the connection.
My Foodie SB: He decided to call me, “Jonesy,” after my post about tapering my addiction to social networking. He did so via text, which made it that much more of a delicious fix. And in my experiment, it made me want to text/connect more…
And in case you’re wondering, I managed to go several days without texting; but soon realized the idea of going socially cold turkey was about as smart as picking a fight with Mike Tyson. I am a person who needs connections, so taking a connection tool away wasn’t my brightest idea. But I have turned down the volume, so to speak, and it seems to have helped.
My West Coast SB: Although we are perpetual ships that pass each other in the night, we continue to put messages out there for one another. It’s nice to know we think the other is worth it. It’s that constant effort that creates our connection.
My East Coast SB: I got a note out-of-the-blue that said he thought he hated all women. Yikes! My first thought was, “Surely I’m excluded, but let’s check in to be sure.” Yep, I was right –thank goodness. Turns out he just broke things off with a girlfriend who, in my opinion, clearly didn’t know up from down. My East Coast SB just dodged a bullet – but the situation left a mark after being let down in this, and previous, relationships. When all was said and done, I realized he just needed to be cheered up and was looking to me. And that’s a badge of honor, really. That he trusts our relationship enough to know I’m a “go-to” friend. This was a great connection gift.
So this year, instead of waking up Christmas morning and searching under the tree for that one thing you’ve been hoping for; realize you don’t need a specific day on the calendar to experience a great gift and allow yourself the opportunity to create connections.
Here’s hoping you all experience the connections you want and need throughout the year. As always, stay comfy, be good to yourself and all your Sunday Boyfriends.
More information on Sunday Boyfriend may be found on the Sunday Boyfriend blog, Facebook, and Twitter.